March 23rd, 2005

Liberty Terri

I generally don't lend my services to the GOP, but what have the Democrats done for me lately?

An Open Letter to Karl Rove:

Mr. Rove,

You or one of your colleagues recently drafted a memo to Republicans in the Senate laying out the potential political gains in exploiting Terri Schiavo, our nation's favorite persistently vegetative stateswoman. Well, sir, I have a proposal for you to take this to the next level.

I come to you not out of support of your cause, but out of a great respect for your evil genius. You're accomplishing with Terri what the left couldn't with Christopher Reeve, and he was a movie star. Your party certainly recognizes the power a movie star wields over the voting public. Still, the Democrats slow-played the crippled Superman card, and barely managed to squeeze a tiny amount of public opinion out of his lifeless corpse. Stem-cell research? Who even knows what that means anymore? Not me, sir.

My idea for taking this exploitation from petty to epic is as follows: We should offer Terri up as a replacement for the Liberty Bell. The bell itself has been effectively ignored for the last 20 years. I think the last time I heard it mentioned was the third grade. Clearly, it's become obsolete, but it has some charm that we can replicate with the much more modern and GOP-friendly "Liberty Terri," as we'll christen her during the unveiling of her plexiglas viewing chamber in Philadelphia, where she can live the rest of her unnatural life, turning food sludge into waste we can portion out and sell as souvenirs.

You see, the Liberty Bell is cracked, and that's part of its mystique. Americans, as a general rule, are terrified of perfection. Flaws make us swoon. Terri, with a brain that lacks any identifiable consciousness, thought, or awareness, will fill in quite nicely for a bell that can't ring.

Liberty Terri can completely replace the bell in American iconography. She may be a little harder for grade-schoolers to draw in class, but the fact that she's human means some lucky kid can play her in the patriotic school plays put on across this great nation. Every 4th of July sale at car dealerships across the country will use a little clip art Terri face in their ads, subliminally reenforcing the idea that Democrats hate America. Unlike the flag, which has been co-opted by every bastard there is, you bastards will have sole ownership of this one for at least a few decades.

Now, what to do with the bell? Well, you have a bit of a PR problem over in Iraq. Imagine this sound bite playing on Fox News a few hundred times a day for a month: "Iraq isn't liberated? Tell that to the Liberty Bell and the fine men protecting it from suicide bombers in Baghdad."

I urge you to act on this quickly.


Crossposted over on my blog.