December 2nd, 2005

We Liberals Piss Me Off

Okay, so you can probably tell my heart's done its share of bleeding. It's bled on my shoes, my belt and my food. It's bled into a lot of what I've said and how I've voted in the past, and it certainly colors the music I really love. So I'm really speaking out of love for you crazy kool-aid-swigging zombies.

Stereotypical liberals make me as uneasy as does the horde of flag-waving conservatives. It's not that I'm against people being vocal about their politics. I mean, seriously -- it's me here... me. It's just that when I can hear 20% of your worldview and deduce with uncanny accuracy the other 80%, you've got a serious problem with forming your own opinions. Beyond that, everything else you have to say just becomes white noise.

Well, maybe not white noise. Maybe that noise that the riot cops are starting to use for crowd control -- the noise that makes you nauseous and reluctant to do much beyond sitting on the floor staring into space while you wait for the sweet reprieve of silence. Anyway, here's a sampling of the list of things that drives me nuts about you... rather, us.

Starbucks is not your enemy. I promise. Sure, it's an irresistible bug light for all of the pretentious fucks and consumer whores with line-of-sight attention spans and marketing-driven cravings who have a direct view of the front door, and these are quite likely empty, boring, terrible, happy people, but Starbucks didn't create them -- it's just feeding them coffee. The same fucking pretentious soy mocha latte they'd otherwise be buying at one of your fifty billion precious artsy almost-but-not-quite-exactly Starbucks clone coffee shops that are so dear to your heart. Starbucks isn't even driving them out of business -- it spawned them. It created the market in which they can exist and you can sit in them reading Fast Food Nation and feel so fucking morally superior with your drink that is named, priced, made and packaged exactly as it would have been at Starbucks.

Bongos are not an instrument of revolution. Shove them up your fucking ass. Look at the Ukraine. No bongos, just orange shit and tenacity. That's how you get taken seriously.

While you're protesting, please stop lumping all of the extreme-left nonsense in together. Be pragmatic and fight one battle with one gathering. Yes, I want to free Mumia too, but I doubt the governor of Pennsylvania is hanging out at an anti-war rally, and even if he were, he'd be too busy being harassed by the PETA dipshits to notice you.

Punk rock is not a political party. Puck rock is not a religion. Punk rock is not your fucking mommy. Rock out, let it challenge what you believe in, let it validate your rebellion, let it inspire you to be you, but for fuck's sake, please stop treating it like gospel or a manual on how to think.

Anarchy is not a ... Okay, have fun with the anarchy. I like you kids and your black flags. Good luck with all of that.

This one will blow your mind: Globalization presents maybe the most effective and unstoppable force for democratizing the world that has ever been seen. I guess you'd prefer the people of the world either continue living under dictators or have democracy beaten into them with force like the lucky citizens of Iraq have had the pleasure of enduring for the last two and a half years. Sure, pay attention to what you buy and where it's from, but don't let your laziness about looking at both sides of an issue drive you to protest something that could create a world where economies, speech and dissidents are set free, and the dictators of which are powerless to stop it.

Next time: How my fellow libertarians never cease to piss me off, too.

Looking forward: How I personally can't stop pissing myself off.